Broken Beyond Repair
by 4evrwithSirius
Summary: Lily remembers a time when she found James cheating on her and compares it to the pain of losing a loved one. The hurt of both experiences was horrible and painful, but she will come to realize that she has never felt broken beyond repair.


Broken Beyond Repair

Broken beyond repair.It's how she'd felt when she saw James kissing Alice. And she knew for a fact that it wasn't a she came onto me! situation. Her fiancé had had her best friend, an already married woman, pressed against the wall in her bra. His shirt had been on the ground not far from where they were.

She didn't want to think about how far they would have gotten if she hadn't walked in when she did. She dropped Alice's clothes on the ground and threw the engagement ring at James' head before she had fled Alice's room at the sight, tears pouring from her face. There had been and Order meeting earlier that night in the Room of Requirement. It had been too late to go home so Dumbledore had offered rooms for the night. Frank had been in Germany for something and couldn't make the meeting. She had been asleep, making the perfect setup for their little rendezvous. Looking back, she didn't think that either of them had planned it. They just sort of happened upon each other. If she hadn't stopped by to drop off some of the clothes Alice had left behind at the cottage, who knows what would have happened.

But on with the tale of a broken heart, James had chased after her, yelling for her to stop. But she hadn't stopped. She had kept going until she had burst out onto the grounds. She ran and ran until she made it to the lake. Her heavy footsteps had woken up the bear-like dog that had taken a snooze in the shadow of the willow tree. She collapsed onto the ground by the big rocks, her chest heaving through her sobs. Sirius Black stood where the dog had just been, a rare look of concern passing over his face at the sight of his friend and former crush.

"Lily," he had said quietly, not wanting to startle her. She looked up slightly but continued to sob. "Love, tell me what happened. I don't like to see that pretty little head of yours looking so stressed," he said as he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned into him, her body rattling with the effort it took to breathe. She shook her head slightly.

"Lily, love, you need to tell me what happened. I can't beat the snot out of him if you don't tell me who it is and what he did," Sirius had said, looking down at her when she'd laughed slightly. She still didn't say anything, though. They stayed that was for a while he got tired of waiting. Lily had eventually leaned away from his grip and against the rock.

He'd gotten up and was going to go up to the castle. He had stopped short when she said, "James." He turned to her and waited for her to go on. She took a shaky breath and got up to face him. "James and, uh, Alice. They um, they were kissing in Alice's room. And they had already gotten each other halfway undressed. If I hadn't walked into the room when I did, I don't want to know what would have happened." She looked away as Sirius approached her rapidly. He held her at arm's length and his eyes searched her face. When she'd looked up, her expression just about broke his heart.

"Listen to me, and listen good. James loves _you_ and not Alice. Hell! He's been in love with you since second year! Trust me when I say that it wouldn't have meant anything to him. It was probably just a one-time thing," he'd said taking her left hand in his. His eyes widened at the sight of her ringless finger. "Lily! You took your ring off!"

Lily had only nodded, saying that it was more like threw it at his head. He'd chuckled at that. Then he'd told her that he wanted her to try to talk to the thick headed git. Then he'd given her his blessing and sent her on her way back to the castle.

James saw her walking through the front doors and had run towards her, yelling at her to listen. But she hadn't and burst into a full sprint in the other direction. She ran until she had found an empty classroom to hide in.

He'd been too fast for her and had caught up with her. He found her sobbing in the corner and reached out to her, wanting to try to explain. But she'd flinched at his touch and yelled at him not to touch her anymore, yelled that he was a perverted monster. He cringed at her words and looked away.

He sat down next to her and began to explain. His only reasoning was that he'd been getting desperate and she hadn't been ready. Alice had come to him with a similar desire and neither had questioned the other's motive. He told her that there was only one Lily flower for him and oddly enough, she'd believed him. He apologized profusely.

She accepted hesitantly but it was good enough for him.

He seemed to know that he'd destroyed her. Just like someone dropping a priceless vase to the point that it was shattered on the ground, he had broken her beyond repair.

_Broken beyond repair._

To Lily, that incident had seemed like so long ago. She'd been weary of James and didn't trust him after it, but now it's long gone. Much time had passed since then. She and James had been happily married for two years and they now a gorgeous child, Harry.

Much to James' delight, Harry looked almost exactly like him. But he had Lily's eyes. Speaking of Harry, he was upstairs, asleep hopefully. A loud wail rippled through the cottage. James voice echoed through the kitchen from the living room, "Hun, he's awake again."

"I know, love," The doorbell rang and a muffled voice of 'Trick or Treat' came through. "I'll get Harry if you'll get the door." She made her way up the stairs and down the hall to Harry's nursery. The doorknob felt oddly cold against her hand as she turned it. Harry was sitting up in his crib, his head facing the window. "Hi, Harry." She smiled warmly at her son as she picked him up. He snuggled his head into her neck. In the living room, James was still trying o distribute the candy.

"No! You can't have that cauldron cake, it's mine! I like them too you know! But here have a cockroach cluster! I hear they're delicious!" James was sorting through the candy as he passed it out, keeping everything he liked to himself. Lily smiled to herself at this. "Happy Halloween!" he exclaimed as they walked away looking highly disgruntled.

He turned to look at Lily and frowned at her grin. "What?" he asked, confused. She just shook her head and handed Harry over. She headed back toward the kitchen to get her coffee (James didn't drink any and wondered how any Muggle could like something so repulsive!) As she was on her way to the living room, she spotted a picture of Alice, Frank, and their son, Neville. She frowned as she thought about how close Neville had come to being James' son. She shoved this thought out of her head as she heard a shriek of laughter from Harry.

In the living room, James was bouncing Harry on his knees. Harry giggled and James grinned at him. James picked up his wand and large puffs of blue smoke came out at Harry. Harry shrieked and tried to grab the smoke. He clapped his hands as another puff came out. Lily sat down next to James and said, "How are my two favorite men doing?"

James grinned before kissing her temple and replied, "We are doing just fine, love." Lily reached out to take Harry from James' lap. James then reclined slightly on the couch, placing his arm around her shoulders. She smiled and rested her head on his shoulders. Neither knew how long they stayed that way. James got up to go to the kitchen for something. When Harry had fallen asleep, Lily put him down on the couch so he could stay asleep.

In the kitchen, she found James doing absolutely nothing. "What are you doin'?"

"Nothin'. Just wanted to get you in here."

"Oh? And what for?"

He grinned and walked over to her in two long strides. He grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her close. "For this," he hissed before crashing his lips down on hers. He kissed her fiercely. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him with passion. He walked her into the counter and she put one of her hands on it to brace herself. He kissed her rapidly, her body being pressed into his. He lifted her onto the counter so he could kiss her better.

She pulled back slightly, bit her lip and grinned before diving back in. James' hand ran up and down her thigh making a shiver run down her spine. His hand made its way under her shirt and up her back to the clasp of her bra. She pulled back, smiled slightly and shook her head. "We can't," she said quietly.

"Why not?" James whined. Lily chuckled.

"Harry needs to be in his bed and asleep before we do anything. And I think I hear him waking up right now," she said. Sure enough, Harry's cries of loneliness rang through the cottage. Lily grabbed James' hand and intertwined their fingers. She pulled him onto the couch next to Harry and she sat next to both of them. She pecked James on the cheek and stood up to search for the latest letter from Dumbledore.

James had begun to make blue puffs of smoke for Harry again. Harry was apparently tired of this and James set his wand down on the table to bounce him on his knees. There was a bang on the door and Lily and James both paled. "Run Lily! It's him! Take Harry and RUN! I'll hold him off!" Lily bolted to the couch to grab Harry. She began to run to the stairs when she hesitated and turned around. "What are you waiting for? Run!"

"I love you James!" she sobbed.

"I love you, too. JUST RUN!" He shouted the last part, trying to get his point across. She nodded and turned to the stairs but looked back when she heard a yell. She looked back to see James collapse on the ground and not move again. She screamed as a pair of red eyes gleamed at the sight. She raced to the stairs and tripped on the first step. She clutched Harry to her chest to protect him.

Once she was in Harry's nursery she slammed the door shut and locked it. Her wand was somewhere downstairs. Tears poured down her face as she tried to keep Harry calm. She wrapped a blanket around him and buried her head in him. She was rocking and bouncing up and down, soothing Harry as well as herself.

She clenched her eyes harder shut when she saw James fall to the ground over and over again in her mind. This pain was worse than the pain of any amount of cheating he could have done. The love of her life was gone, dead. Harry was the only thing left in her life. If Voldemort had his way, he'd be gone too. Her life was ending. She had nothing left. She hadn't been able to save James. She couldn't save Harry. If she tried to save him, she'd end up dying instead. At least then she'd be with James. But Harry had to stay alive.

Lily might as well have been dead. Her soul was caving in on itself. She was alone.

Her voice screamed through the dull cottage.

It was over! Her life was over. There was nothing left of her. Everything was over.

It's what she was now and there was no way around it:

Broken beyond repair.


End file.
